THE VITZNAU COWS

Vitznau is a Swiss village on Lake Lucerne. It features an elegant hotel which sits, posed like a queen in a formal portrait, on the waterfront. 

Behind the hotel to the east looms the mountain, the lower regions of which are grassy. The mountain does not rise uniformly parallel to the lake; rather, it tilts upward from south to north, even as the totality rises eastward. 

Along the lower  stretches of the mountain graze the Vitznau cows, a breed native to the area. Over the centuries, they have adapted to life on the steep slopes: their right legs are shorter than their left legs, enabling them to stand erect as they graze northbound. 

When they get to the far north end, as they want to continue grazing further up the mountain, they have to walk backward, proceeding south again. (If they tried to walk forward, going south, they’d fall over. 

Sometimes, while grazing backward, they go too fast. Then they lose control, skitter backward down the mountain, and bop their butts agains the barn.  Hotel guests are occasionally awakened late at night by the sounds of skittering cows: “swoosh, bop, moo!”

A word of caution: if you ever encounter a Vitznau cow that is approaching you, move toward its left side (the one with the longer legs). That way, if it falls over on its right side (the side with the shorter legs) you won’t get flattened.  

One final thought: If a man gets squished to bits by a falling cow, they carry his remains away on a … (wait for it)…Moo goo guy pan.